when i was younger, i had a fantastic history teacher who taught his class in a very different way than the others. he would crack jokes, insert personal anecdotes, even when unrelated so long as he could give out a lil nugget of truth, and where alot of other history teachers in my youth seemed to be dodgin' or avoidin' the real reasons behind certain things, he would come right out and say the root cause of nearly every major decision: "to make money!"
that almost became his catchphrase, it would be the answer so often
but while he was lively during his lectures, i couldnt help but notice how that energy did not seem to translate to interpersonal conversations, hell, i dont think i ever had any smalltalk with the guy
along with him, ive always been infatuated by showmen, mostly in the form of standup comedians
people like carlin, chappelle, pryor, and izzard dazzled me with their ability to keep an audience captivated by weavin' tales and ironic musings out of dialog alone
with carlin bein' the example, i dont believe his bombastic crassness translated into 1 on 1 talks; in interviews he was much more calm (as much as carlin can be, anyway) and maybe even... timid?
all this led me to believe there were two kinds of talkers: showmen who can do well with the 4th wall between em, and people persons who do better interpersonally
i was an oddity as a youth; i was a quiet kid but, when it came time to do a presentation, i was usually the first to voluteer, both because i wanted to set the bar and because i enjoyed it
i loved doin' presentations, it was like my own personal comedy special and i would use it as such. it was my opportunity to crack jokes, talk passionately about things i enjoyed, and (usually) without interruption
it was MY show and, as a quiet kid who normally got overlooked or talked over, it was special... and i prolly confused the hell out of everyone who saw em tho since i was usually quiet
so, as you may have guessed with the whole "quiet kid" thing, you may think my interpersonal skills were lackin' and youd be mostly correct
i have spent my entire life tryna figure out the intricacies of conversation and communication and, upon reflection after one of my professors noted this, i do have quite the background in communication
am i the best? hell no. am i alot better than alotta people? yes and i am still learnin'; ill likely never stop learnin' cuz its so vast of a topic
be that as it may, there are times where i fear fallin' into the trap of bein' the unpersonable monolith that can only affect people from a stage
just today i read about the pro wrestler Owen Hart and how his generous personality touched and uplifted the lives of all those around him in what is usually a very rough and cutthroat industry
i hope i have been and will be able to affect people in such a profound way; sure a speaker can motivate and inspire you but there is always that 4th wall between the speaker and the audience, that distance between the stage and the viewer
sometimes i feel like that isnt enough and i havent figured out how to overcome it yet
owen hart was always theres, always supportive, and endlessly kind; an ideal
i dont know if i can be that. i saw a video recently where the guy said he was the type of person who needed "alot of time and space to function properly" and i am much the same way
it takes alot of time to parse through life as me and im often troubled by the fact that all of this time could be spent with friends, especially online friends and the loomin' threats to our online spaces
there are times i feel like a figurehead then there are times i remember that there have been people in my life who reach out to me, unannounced, after months of no contact and that indicates to me that i am reachin' somebody and that brings me peace